Choosing Death
So, I have sat down in front the computer a number of times to update my blog but have not had the energy to do so. The last month has been much of a blurr within a blurr of a year for that matter. My grandpa had a stoke last month and things just went down hill from there. He had lived on the farm that I grew up on up until that stroke so needless to say he was an everyday presense in my life and we were very close. He past away this week. He was 83.
Due to the stroke, Grandpa had a couple of bad falls. One that resulted in a fracture in his C-1 & C-2 vertibrae. Initially the dr.'s only thought C-2 was cracked but then after more testing they found a crack in C-1 also. The outlook for the healing of these bones was grim. He either had to wear a neck brace for an undetermined amount of time or he had to have surgery to place pins and harvested bone to repair the cracks. Neither of these options were great. He was not a fan of the neck brace and he had such bad arthritis that the healing would not happen quickly. So, after hearing these news of both vertibraes being cracked, Grandpa just shut down. And he no longer really responded to much stimulation.
I had been through the dying process with my other grandpa but this one was really tough. For the past week, most of the family was at a bedside vigil for him in the hospital. The family decided not to hook up any feeding tubes because they knew he would not have wanted that. It took a good week for his body to shut down. The last organ to shut down was his lungs, even though he had smoked for a good 60 years.
Through this whole process, I couldn't help but wonder if at some point he made the decision to die. Can we as human's just allow ourselves to die? Stop fighting? And if so, is this a form of suicide? Grandpa lived a wonderful life and he was 83 so it was probably his time but death is just so....is just so...weird.
So, we'll be having the funeral in 2 days and that will be extremely hard. I do always find beauty at funerals though. Beauty in the family.
On a side note, I am contemplating requiring all members of my family to wear a neck brace for the rest of their lives. I think 2 broken necks resulting in severe changes within a year is enough to require that...don't you think?
